I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I lost the right to judge tonight
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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