i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
a search helicopter?!
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
