I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
