I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
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