He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
