if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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