I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
