I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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