I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
