hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
