I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
