Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
