I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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