Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
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