I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
