Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
