he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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