Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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