Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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