good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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