my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
