Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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