I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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