Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
