The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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