Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
