can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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