I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Randomize