I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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