What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
