Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
