dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
