when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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