You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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