dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
