Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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