i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
