Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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