my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
