he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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