My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I have tasted many bathrooms
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
