the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
it's great music for shaving your balls
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
