mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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