i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
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