Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
