i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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