More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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