She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
In other news, I just burned my penis
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
