wrigley field is MILF paradise
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
