i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
