My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
he high fived his dick after we had sex
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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