well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i think i have two assholes
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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